No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
