how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
