when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
