Can i not drive my cunt home
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
