I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
