So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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