Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
