help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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