I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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