We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize