I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
