thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
