So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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