So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
