every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
