so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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