I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
