Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
