In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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