As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
