What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Ladies don't puke and tell
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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