your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
