My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
