considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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