Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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