I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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