no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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