I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
