She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
