I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
