He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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