He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize