We got so high we made milksteak
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Sorry my hands just texted you
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i out mim tonsoeep
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