I'm eating all of the evidence.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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