Got a toothbrush?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
