My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
