That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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