I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
