Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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