If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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