it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize