I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
