ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
