Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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