i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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