Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
