I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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