Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize