DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize