I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
