Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize