I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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