God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize