I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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