i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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